Fail
by Dustland-Fairytales
Summary: "So, apart from being sexy, what do you do for a living?" - In which Magnus tries to seduce Alec by using his entire reservoir of pick-up lines. Which doesn't work...much. Crack.


**Disclaimer: **I don't own TMI, it's all Cassandra Clare's.

**Warnings: **Bad pick-up lines, significant cheesiness, utter crack and implied sexitimes. Well, what did you expect? It's Magnus, after all.

**A/N.:** I'm sure there is an excuse for this, somewhere. One that doesn't involve me being crazy. Possibly it's the glass of wine next to me. Idk. If everything else fails, I'm going to blame it on my friend Riley, who will surely approve of this. Speaking of her, she makes some awesome Malec wallpapers, which you can find on my profile.

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><p><strong><em>Fail<em>**

**_._**

"Apart from being sexy, what do you do for a living?"

Alec looked up from the book he was reading and blinked. "Pardon?"

"I said, 'apart from being sexy, what-"

"I heard what you said the first time," Alec interrupted Magnus. "I just – you _know_ what I do for a living." He frowned, tilting his head to the side and threw Magnus a scrutinizing look. "Are you drunk?" he asked suspiciously.

Magnus beamed. "I'm not drunk," he purred, leaning down to whisper into Alec's ear. "I'm just intoxicated by you."

Alec shifted and turned around to look at him. "You _are_ drunk, aren't you?"

"Well," Magnus said, "if you were a drug, I'd certainly be on overdose."

Alec shook his head. "Okay. You are weird. Come down here and let me check whether you have a boozy breath."

A leer spread over Magnus's face. Already inwardly celebrating his victory, he leaned down to capture Alec's lips with his own.

Unfortunately, his boyfriend wasn't having that. A steady hand grabbed his shirt and held him back before he could kiss him and held him in place. Magnus pouted. Alec ignored it completely and just looked at Magnus, concern clear in his eyes.

"Breathe," he commanded.

"But your lips look so lonely," Magnus whined. "Don't you think they'd like to meet mine?"

The look Alec gave him made it clear he thought Magnus had completely lost his mind. Cautiously, he pushed him away, at the same time backing away slowly but surely. "Okay, so apparently you are not drunk. Are you sure you're feeling okay, though?"

Magnus tilted his head to the side. "I don't know," he began. "I think there's something wrong with my eyes."

"Oh?"

"Yes." Magnus nodded. "I can't keep them off of you."

Blue eyes narrowed in suspicion. It seemed that Alec was beginning to see where this was going. "Really?" he asked flatly.

"U-hu," Magnus affirmed. And then he decided to go for the kill: "Was your father a thief?"

"_What?"_

"I think he stole the stars from the sky and put them in your eyes," Magnus declared solemnly. This one _always_ worked.

"Did you just call my father a thief?" Alec stared at him incredulously.

Magnus fought the urge to introduce his head to the nearest wall. Come on, even Alec couldn't be _that_ clueless, could he? He was almost a hundred percent positive that Alec was toying with him. But the incredulity and surprise on his face seemed to be genuine, so maybe he'd just have to be a little bit more precise. "Forget about that," Magnus waved it off. "But you know what?"

"What?" Alec asked, exasperated. "Look, Magnus, I'm trying to get some work done here and I-"

"If I could rearrange the alphabet, I would put U and I together."

"That doesn't even make sense," Alec determined. "And it's grammatically incorrect. It would have to be 'you' and 'me', which is impossible to express with letters of the alphabet." That said, he turned his attention back to his book, tuning his boyfriend out completely.

Magnus groaned inwardly. This couldn't be happening. He waited for a while, contemplating while Alec read on then, and decided it was no use being subtle. "That's a nice shirt," he said, reaching out his hand to fiddle with a loose strand at the hem of the shirt. "It would go great with the bedroom floor, don't you think?"

This time, Alec didn't even look up. "It's just an old sweater," he answered, rolling his eyes. "And you hate it. And no, it doesn't go with the bedroom floor at all. Even I know that, and I am no expert at colour coordination. You just want to get me out of it."

Okay, so he had definitely understood what Magnus was aiming at. Magnus grinned. "Guilty as charged."

He waited.

The Shadowhunter didn't react.

"Those are nice jeans," Magnus attempted again. "Do you think I could get into them?"

Alec slammed his book shut and glared at him. "No, you can't," he hissed. "I am still mad at you. What the hell where you _thinking?_"

"I don't know what you're talking about." Magnus tried his best to look innocent, and failed miserably.

"You turned my brother into a _toad_," Alec seethed.

"He deserved it," Magnus defended himself. "And it was a nice looking toad. I didn't give him half as many warts as he deserved. And the spell has already worn off. It didn't harm him in any way!"

"Ah, and what exactly did he do to deserve this?"

"He's a conceited, arrogant prick?" Magnus tried, only earning another death glare from Alec.

"And you're a sex fiend who just wants to get into my pants."

_Well_, Magnus thought. _I can't argue with that._

"And you are definitely not getting any for _at least_ the rest of the week." Alec went on.

_What?_

"But-"

"Shut up, Magnus. I'm reading. No amount of begging will change that." Alec sounded decisive.

_We'll see_, Magnus thought.

He let Alec read on for a couple of minutes, just to give him some time to calm down and make him imagine he was safe. But oh no, he wasn't going down without a fight. Then, suddenly, he exclaimed: "Oh!"

Alec jumped, startled. "What?"

"Was that an earthquake or did you just rock my world?"

"I'm not even deeming this one worthy of an answer." Alec's irritation was nearly palpable. So was Magnus's frustration.

"Fine, then," he announced dramatically and sashayed into the kitchen, only narrowly avoiding to trip over Chairman Meow, who was sitting by his cup and stared up at him expectantly. Magnus sighed and checked his cupboards for cat food. There wasn't any. Big surprise there. He sighed again, and conjured something up with a flick of his wrist. The cat, already used to food magically appearing under his nose, didn't even give him a thankful look.

Magnus huffed. "Ungrateful little creature," he murmured and, deciding that he would not give in that easily, strolled back into the living room, where Alec was still reading his demonology textbook and was still very obviously ignoring him.

"It seems that I have lost my phone number," he said casually as he let himself flop onto the couch. "Can I borrow yours?"

"You already have my number," Alec reminded him impatiently. "And now stop interrupting me."

"If I followed you home, would you keep me?" Magnus asked hopefully.

"Right now, I am very inclined to send you away and not let you anywhere me ever again," was Alec's short reply.

There was a long silence.

"Did it hurt?"

Alec blinked. "Did what hurt?"

"When you fell out of heaven."

Alec sighed. "It's not working, Magnus. As a matter of fact, you are just annoying me, which is counterproductive. Just leave it – and me- alone."

No. Way. In. Hell.

"Do you have a map? Because I keep getting lost in those eyes of yours."

"Forget it."

"But-"

"No."

_Damn._

Maybe a different approach would he helpful. "Do you sleep on your stomach?"

Apparently surprised by the sincerity and serious tone of the question, Alec looked up. "Uhm...no?" he answered, unsure. "At least I don't think so. Why?"

"Can I?" Magnus replied with a counter question.

"Magnus..."Alec warned.

"You're very comfortable, you know?" Magnus continued, unfazed. "The best pillow I've ever had." He leaned forwards to press his forehead against Alec, forcing the boy to look him directly into the eyes. "I love you," he breathed.

For an excruciatingly long second, Alec didn't say anything.

Then he sighed, closed his eyes in defeat, grabbed Magnus by his collar and yanked him forward.

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><p>"I used to have a spine," Alec mused mildly, staring at the ceiling. "Have you seen it by any chance?"<p>

Magnus chuckled. "I think I saw it run off with my knees earlier - undoubtedly to have a sleazy love affair, those sneaky little bastards." He yawned, feeling happy and thoroughly sated, and sprawled across the Shadowhunter's chest. "I wasn't lying earlier, you know," he said. "When I said you were the best pillow I ever had."

"I know that," Alec replied.

"Oh?"

"You always end up lying on my chest," Alec explained. "And you're clinging to me every time I try to get up in the morning. I always think I'll break your arms one day while trying to pry you off me."

"Maybe you just shouldn't leave that early in the morning, then," Magnus reasoned.

Alec tangled his fingers in Magnus's hair. "I love you, too," he murmured. "Even when you are behaving like an obnoxious, deranged lunatic who thinks it's funny to transform my family members into ugly animals and uses horrible pick-up lines."

"Even when I'm dressing too colourfully and cover you in glitter?"

"Even then."

Magnus's insides erupted into confetti and fireworks. There were pompous street parades, happy dances and quite a few triumphant Hallelujahs. And there was glitter. Glitter was always good.

Now, glitter and Alec, _that_ sounded like a good idea.

"So," he began.

"No."

"But-"

"Don't even think about it. I changed my mind. I don't love you _that_ much."

_Damn. _

Well, then. Maybe some other time.

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><p><strong>AN.:** Review, please. *uses her best and cutest puppy dog eyes* No, seriously. Review or I will find you and throw even more bad pick-up lines at you. Believe it, I've got some more of them up my sleeve and I don't think you want to hear them.


End file.
